i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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