you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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