IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
