Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
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I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
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i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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