I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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