Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
