Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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