Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
