Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Randomize
