Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
