did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
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90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
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And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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