I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
how do flat chested girls get laid?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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