I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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