its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
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I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
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Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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