i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
there's paper in my vomit.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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