That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
