I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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