areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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