just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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