ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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