i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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