people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You ate ashes out of my bong
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
