rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
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you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
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So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic