toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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