At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
