saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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