Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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