the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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