If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
