Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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