My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
