Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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