his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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