my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
