i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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