1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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