I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
