and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
