your parents love me but you hate me
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
