Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
