Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
