My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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