He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
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She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
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I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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