Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
