My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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