you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
