Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Even my vagina gasped.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
