they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
