I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
