I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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