Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
