It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
