I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
