Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize