i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
