I just made out with a guy for $7.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
