Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
