My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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