Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
